Moratorium on financial discussion

[guest7]

Having just submitted my tax return and found a startling disparity between my anticipated tax bill and my actual tax bill, can I ask all of you to refrain from matters financial... at least until nurse brings me my medication.

And no, we will not indulge in a boys-own 'who's got the biggest debt' competition, because it's just depressing.

T S Eliot obviously never had to file a tax return. 'The Wasteland' begins: "April is the cruellest month"
pah! nonsense, it's January, with its cruel self-assessment deadline.

Of course the simple truth is, I did earn the money so I do owe the tax, it's just that PAYE feels less painful.

GC

[guest7]

I did cheer myself up tonight though by conducting a phone conversation with a credit card company in a mock german accent.

Can you confirm your date of birth Mr Carrick?
Oh ja, I can confirm mein dat of birt, ist... etc. etc.

They ring me up on a regular basis because I'm forever missing payments and I'm determined to make them work for the wonga.

One company says, "Can you confirm your address?"
to which I reply, "Well go on then"
"Sorry Mr Carrick"
"Well you tell me the address you have and I'll confirm its accuracy"
"Er..."
"or did you mean to ask me to tell you my address?"
"Yes, Mr Carrick, can you confirm your address"
"I can't confirm it until you tell me what it is, would you like me to tell you my address?"
"Yes please"

Bloody numpties
GC

[Steve Lake]

mmmm yes, I understand completely....Today is my day of truth (why do I always leave it 'til the last minute!) I confess I have a bluddy good accountant....and he always manages to save me more than he charges.....
I spent last night going through all (well, I say all, the bits and bobs i remembered to save) my paperwork, trying to remember everything I spent that could remotely be classed as tax deductable!

I'm hoping for a mediochre tax bill this year....just like you GC.....I'll know the extent of my woes by 10.

Love the CC Co discussion....I seem to have similar episodes with the Acme double glazing Co (for Acme read any number of companies from A to Zed)

I have 2 approaches

1. 'Oh, hello, thats a bit of luck you called, I'm looking to replace all my windows in the next couple of months....tell me all about your finance deal' I then get an enthusastic rundown on all the wonderful benifits 'wow...zero percent over 24 months...thats the best offer I've had....can you arrange for a Rep to come over ASAP, measure up?' .....I'm by now, their dream client...he/she has put on the red hat or whatever else they do in the telesales office to denote they are on a winner...
I get loads of effusive comments regarding my clever choice, my obvious wish to impress everyone with their foul plastic offerings.....I then ask 'is the credit arrangement is available to undischarged bankrupts....?'(i'm not......yet...but they don't know, do they) 'erm.....sorry, could you say that again please sir.......i'll have to check with my manager........'  long pause.....phone usually goes dead

2. 'Great.....glad you called......I presume you are calling back about the quotation you sent me?'...'well, not exactly sir.....but I'd be more than happy to go through it with you.....will you be making an order today?......Yes I will once we clear up a few points....let me go and find the letter and we can get things under way....' telesales rep dons red hat and leaps around the office planning next holiday etc.....me...I go back to eating my tea....washing up...walking the dog....the most optomistic have hung on for well over an hour....

pip pip

PS..GC

I'm going to try and do my return in april THIS year.......It's a plan.....

[Andy M]

Well, that "Wot the Victorians did for us bloke" standing in the grain silo/hour glass is annoying me and I only live with an accountant!


Andy

[Steffan]

I am always mindful (well I try to be) that these poor unfortunates have a job and a living to make, however distasteful and irritating one finds their intrusions. What I cannot stand is being addressed by my first name by someone I don't know followed by the ubiquitious "how are you today?" to which I usually reply "What do you want?" I always give them fair warning before I let rip...

On the subject of Tax I earned precisely nothing last year so I have finally convinced the thieving so and sos to leave me alone. Mind you that doesn't stop my misses from involving me in the fiasco which is her tax return. She wanted to do it IP this year - heaven forfend!!

Steffan
The long suffering

[Steve Lake]

I suppose some celebration is in order.....my hero of an accountant has managed to get my tax debt down to £450.......and his charge......a good bottle of port.....a gentleman and a scholar...
of course, the pittance I, or i should say we, earned over the preceeding 12 months has a lot to do with it.

[guest27]

Double Glazing etc...

Ding-dong....

Answer door to a couple of nice suits complete with bibles

"Can we tell you about our God?"

"Is that God the omnipotent?"

"Yes"

"Is that God the omnipresent?"

"Yes"

"Is that God the omnisient?"

"Yes!" - all smiles and happy.

"God who created everything?

"Yes!"

"God who knows everything?"

"YES!!!"

"So why does he need a salesman then?  - Now F@@@ off and leave me alone!"

Never did see the Mormons again at that house...

R

[Andy M]

When I was a student some flat mates tried the answer the door wearing apron with crudely drawn pentangle while carrying fake bloodstained knife and headless plastic chicken approach.

The local religious groups had seen it all before and thought it was mildly funny!

Andy

[guest24]

I'm on PAYE but its not as canny as you would like to think! Sometimes I owe money and sometimes they owe me. Not sure how that ever comes about because I dont get big fat bonuses, or any bonuses come to that. Might be something to do with my so called beneficial mortgage that I have with my employer. I get taxed on the benefit and its based on the fluctuating base interest rate.

I only keep the mortgage with my employer as they give a large mortgage calculation multiple to their employees to keep us tethered and under control...

I'm going to win the Lotto this weekend. New bikes all round on me - huzzah!!

[guest7]

Double Glazing etc...

Answer door to a couple of nice suits complete with bibles

"Can we tell you about our God?"

But Roger, you live in a house called 'The Vicarage'! 

GC

[guest7]

As for JW's and Mormons, when I was in my late teens I used to live in a bedsit (I was a doley clubber). Occasionally, on a boring afternoon, they'd call and if it was a bloke I'd make a big fuss of him and ask him to come in. Then, after a short preamble, I'd smile sweetly and say "So... tell me, what's your faith's view on homosexuality?"

The smile would freeze on their face and they'd spend the next few minutes diplomatically phrasing the fact that their caring faith thought gays were evil. Then I'd throw them out. I considered it a good alternative to daytime telly.

I realise now that it was cruel and unnecessary, but I had a lot of gay mates in those days and homophobes seemed like fair game. In fact they still do.

The gay ruse worked wonders when I shared a flat with my girlfriend and housing benefit smelt a rat. A bit of judicious simpering convinced the visiting officer that I was hardly likely to be shacked up with a bird and I kept my rent money. Although I'm not sure the partially dismantled BSA Starfire in my bedroom was in keeping with the image I wanted to portray 

Of course, in those days I looked a little less weary and worn... and I was obviously less concerned about defrauding the DSS 

GC

[Steve Lake]

And this...let me remind you......is our leader.................

[steveD]

........and all along I thought he was gay!


Anon

[guest27]

........and all along I thought he was gay!


Anon

Gay - he has done some work here - he is a miserable bugger.. did I mean that?

R

[guest27]

But Roger, you live in a house called 'The Vicarage'! 

GC

Ahh but that was when we lived in Forrester's Cottage.  Never had a bible basher up at the Vicarage - guess either the path is too steep or the ghost of the Old Vicar is too strong.

R